we have hardly been at home. Tomorrow night is the first night this week that the hubs & I will both be at home at the same time. Exhausting. My thoughts are rather rambling tonight, so bear with me. I've had lots of "blog posts" written in my head lately, but not actually typed out.
It's hard trying to find a balance of things we should be doing, that we could be doing, that are good for us, and that which is too much.
I ventured to Wednesday night church for the first time. It was so good for me. I teach the youth girls on Sunday mornings, so I don't get a lot of time with other adults, discussing & learning & encouraging together. A couple of the women in the class that I was in brought up a subject that is very close to my heart (unbeknownst to them); a raw and still sometimes wounded part of me. I sat there and felt so loved by God... I absolutely knew that He cared enough about all the little parts of my life, the things that hurt me, the things that bring me joy, to show me in that way that I was not alone. It was very much confirmation that I needed that time there. Even though it is HARD as heck to get the kids and myself out the door, I seriously see a need for it. I felt like I was gulping up fresh water during that time.
I think I like to deceive myself- actually, I KNOW I like to deceive myself- into thinking that I've got it all together, that I'm handling things alright, that I'm a strong person and I can manage fine by myself (gee, I wonder if that's where Emerson gets it from... hehe). Moments like that, though, show me how very much I'm just stifling my own desperate need for community. I received a further reminder of that today.
Emerson & Atticus kept crying over very silly things, and I had a long talk with them about what is important to be emotionally invested in and what is not (of course, in their own terms). Somebody putting the potty seat down when you wanted to do it yourself is not really a great reason to flop down on the floor and sob.
And yet, mere minutes later, I am screaming and yelling because one little boy had pulled out the mustard and smeared it all over his face and hands, while we were getting ready to head out the door. Sure, it wasn't a great choice on his part, but it didn't warrant the full on temper tantrum that I pulled.
Everyone eventually was ready to go, and I sent the kids out to the car while I struggled with my bags and baby and headed out the door. I got to the car and Emerson, with a sweet smile on her face, proudly told me that she buckled Atticus & Sabriel into their seats to help me out.
It was such an act of simple grace and love for me. I had been nothing but a witch to them, and yet, this sweet girly of mine reached out to show me empathy. My eyes filled with tears as I gave her a huge hug and asked for my kids' forgiveness for my harsh words; my unkind & impatient attitude.
I called a friend and confessed how I was a total ass... and she reminded me that it was good for my kids to see me being a failure. That it teaches them grace & love and all that good stuff. My heart aches with the fact that yeah, I'm gonna fail my kids time & time again, but I am so glad I have hope that God is using it in their lives... there's something beyond my failing them.
And I'm glad I have people in my life that can continue to remind me of that- as long as I don't cut myself off and continue the charade of how "I've got it all together." Yeah. That's what community is all about.
People being real with each other, talking about hurts and scars and growth and redemption and grace. Challenging each other, not just saying things to make us feel good about ourselves. Reminding each other that it's not just about the moment of salvation, but it's about growth beyond that too- but that it's all wrapped up in the Gospel.
...that we are simultaneously far more sinful than we ever dared imagine yet far more loved and accepted than we ever dared hope for.
Oh, what a precious thing that hope is. :)
(I told y'all I was rambly tonight! Sometimes a gal's gotta get things typed out in order for them to sink in all the way, ya know?)